Life of Brian
by Rambling Scribe
Summary: Has Ruth got a new man? Harry thinks so, but are things really as they seem? And why hasn't she completed an S24 form? A bit of fluffy H/R fun.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer****: Spooks belongs to Kudos and the BBC – if I owned them, something like this might have happened. Title isn't mine either.  
**

**A/N: This is a response to The Grand Tour's Spring fic challenge. Yes, I know it's a bit late but then again, it's coming up to Spring in the Southern Hemisphere :P Oh, and it's just a bit of fluffy fun – don't take it too seriously. :)**

**Thanks to the Peas for the encouragement and support (and the title ;) ) **

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"Harry, it's me, Ruth."

"Ruth?"

"Yes."

"What time is it?"

"Late. Sorry to call at this hour, but..."

"Are you alright?"

"Me? Yes, I'm fine, thanks."

"Well, that's...that's good."

"Harry, I was wondering...I was wondering if perhaps you could come over..."

"Come over?"

"Yes."

"To your place?"

"Yes."

Harry was puzzled. Why was she inviting him over? She had lover-boy with her, didn't she?

"Harry? Are you still there?"

"What? Yes, sorry. I thought you were…er, it doesn't matter." He paused. "I'll be about fifteen minutes."

"Right, OK. See you soon." There was a click as the call disconnected and then dialling tone.

Ruth looked at her watch: fifteen minutes and then she would get an explanation of why he'd been following her. She could have asked him on the phone but she wanted to see him, face-to-face, to see his reaction.

--

As he drove, Harry considered various reasons why Ruth would summon him to her house so late in the evening. He concluded that she must have seen him earlier and now she was going to confront him. As he saw it, he had two choices – confess what he'd been doing or go for an outright denial. There was no way he was going to admit to tailing her that evening if the _boyfriend_ was there. The thought of her with another man made his heart ache but he had only himself to blame. He should have stopped wasting time and asked her out. They had become close over the years and he was sure their relationship had potential to develop but he'd held back, been cautious. Now it was too late.

--

Harry shifted from foot to foot as he waited for Ruth to answer the doorbell. When she opened the front door, she seemed reasonably calm, which he took as a good sign.

"Hello Harry. Come in."

He followed her down the hall and into the living room. There was no obvious sign that anyone else was in the house, at least not downstairs. He tried to ignore the voice in his head telling him that the boyfriend must be upstairs in bed – _her bed_.

"You, er, you wanted to see me?"

"Yes, yes I did." Ruth took a deep breath. "You were following me earlier tonight. Don't deny it, I saw you."

Harry was taken aback by her directness. "I wouldn't say I was following you. I was driving along behind you, coincidentally."

"Coincidentally?"

"Yes."

"So was it a coincidence that you happened to be following me last Saturday as well?"

"Was I?" Harry said, airily. "Can't say I saw you."

She clearly didn't believe him and the set of her jaw indicated she was getting very angry. "Do not lie to me."

It was ironic, he reflected, that she had proved to be an even better spook than he'd thought. He'd been careful the first two occasions and was certain she hadn't seen him but he couldn't be so sure about this evening. Perhaps, subconsciously, he'd allowed himself to be seen in order to provoke a confrontation with her. Well he'd definitely got that.

"OK, OK. I was following you this evening and last Saturday but it was for your own good."

Ruth raised an eyebrow. "Oh really? Please explain."

"Well, I saw you, quite by chance, a couple of weekends ago and you had someone, a man, in the car with you. I didn't intentionally follow you, really I didn't."

"Go on."

He started to pace around the room. "You pulled over to the side of the road and you, er, you…well, you got quite friendly with your passenger."

Ruth's anger lessened slightly and curiosity took over as she tried to work out what Harry was referring to and why it seemed to be making him embarrassed.

"I'm not sure what you mean…"

"Please Ruth; I _saw_ you."

Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath. There was no way he wanted to describe, in detail, what he'd seen her doing but it was clear he would have to.

"You were leaning over your friend's lap… You were performing a…an _intimate_ act on him."

"A what?!" she shrieked.

In an attempt to distance himself from his words, Harry blundered on. "Then I saw you the following weekend and he was with you again. You're clearly close to this man, whoever he is, but you haven't submitted an S24."

She moved closer to him, eyes blazing with fury, and prodded him in the chest.

"An S24…is that what this is all about?"

He attempted to back away from Ruth but found himself trapped between her and the sofa. "Yes, no, well, partly, I suppose."

"Partly?"

"You know the rules. We need to know where you met him, that he is who he says he is, that kind of thing."

"I found him on the internet," she announced, loudly.

"On the internet?!" Harry shouted. "Ruth! What were you thinking? He could be anyone. People lie all the time on those dating websites. Or have you already checked him out? You know that's-"

"For God's sake, Harry." She was indignant. Something he'd said was nagging at the back of her mind but she was too angry to work out what it was.

"I'm not stupid or naïve," she continued hotly. "If you would just give me a chance to explain."

"He might be a weirdo or a lunatic or a stalker," Harry countered.

"The only stalker is you!"

Silenced by her accusation, Harry looked at Ruth and wondered if he could possibly talk his way out of the predicament he was now in.

"I'm sorry you think I'm a stalker, but I was, I_ am_ concerned about you. I don't want you being taken advantage of."

"Well I'm not being taken advantage of and I can prove it!"

She grabbed his arm and started to drag him out of the sitting room and down the hall.

Worried that he was going to end up in an unpleasant confrontation with her new boyfriend, Harry attempted to placate Ruth.

"There's no need, really. We can sort out the paperwork on Monday. I'm sure everything will be fine."

It was a waste of time; she was a woman on a mission.

Pausing only to retrieve her keys from her coat pocket, Ruth yanked open the front door and walked briskly down the garden path. She maintained her grip on Harry's arm until they stopped by her car. Opening the boot, she turned triumphantly to him and pointed:

"There! That's my new man! Do I still need to complete an S24?"

Harry stared into the back of the car. "It's a dummy," he said, eventually.

"He's a car-buddy." Ruth started to drag the item in question out of the boot. "I'll show you how he works."

She loaded the dummy into the front passenger seat and then settled herself into the driver's seat.

"He has a compressor built into his foot. You plug the lead into the cigarette lighter and then press this switch. It takes a few minutes, which is why I leave him partly inflated in the boot."

"I see," Harry said as Ruth finished her demonstration. "So what were you doing when I thought you were giving him, well, when you were stopped at the roadside?"

"I was just plugging him in to top up his air as he'd got a bit deflated."

"I know the feeling," Harry muttered under his breath. "I'm sorry, Ruth. It would seem that you're friend here is not the only dummy."

For the first time that evening Ruth allowed herself to relax and she smiled at him.

"Come on, help me put him back in the boot and then we can have a cup of tea."

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**More soon…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Second (and final) part of the madness. :)  
**

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Harry sat at the kitchen table and watched Ruth while she busied herself switching the kettle on and finding crockery.

"So why did you buy it? The car-buddy?"

She looked embarrassed. "It's a bit silly really."

"I'm sure it isn't; please tell me."

"When I was driving back from my mother's after Christmas, I thought I was being tailed. I decided to stop at the services at Oxford and the car that had been following me also stopped. I wasn't sure what to do so I went into the cafeteria and had a coffee. The chap who'd been in the car hung around by the main door, not overtly watching me but he seemed to be keeping me in sight. Anyway, I managed to tag onto a coach party and got out of the cafe without being seen."

"Then what did you do?" He was surprised at how steady his voice sounded; his mind had been filled with all manner of horrible fates that could have befallen Ruth if the man who'd followed her had managed to confront her.

"I drove home," she replied, bemusedly.

"You didn't report it?"

"Er, no. By the time I got back here, it all seemed a bit ridiculous, so I didn't bother."

"Ruth!" Harry was trying to remain calm, reasoning they'd argued enough for one evening. "You know you should have reported it. You didn't even tell me."

He sounded hurt, rather than angry, and she felt guilty about not mentioning the incident sooner.

"I'm sorry, I should have told you. I suppose I was worried that it would make me sound crazy."

"Oh Ruth." Harry got up from the table and moved towards her. "Of course you wouldn't have sounded crazy." He reached out, hesitantly, and gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

Her fingers curled round his and they stood, silently looking at each other until the sound of the kettle switching off broke the moment. Ruth hastily let go of Harry and occupied herself with making their tea.

Her hands were trembling as she put the lid on the teapot and she felt a sudden need to start talking again.

"I er, saw the car-buddies mentioned in an article on the internet so I decided to get one. I just thought that if it looked like there was a man in the car with me, I wouldn't get the same problem again."

"I see," Harry responded, wishing he had the nerve to tell her that she didn't need an inflatable man because she could have the real thing; she could have him.

Ruth placed the teacups on the table. "You must think I'm completely bonkers."

"No I don't." Harry smiled at her. "Partly bonkers perhaps, but not completely," he added, cheekily.

She pouted at him. "I could go off you."

"I wasn't aware you'd ever been on me," he shot back, causing her to blush intensely.

She muttered something he couldn't make out and started rummaging in one of the cupboards. When she turned back to him, she was clutching a packet of biscuits.

"Chocolate digestives," she said, somewhat unnecessarily, "to go with our tea."

She was still reeling from his suggestive comment, which, when considered alongside his recent behaviour, supported her theory that he definitely had feelings for her.

They ate the biscuits, drank their tea and flirted a little, both of them secretly delighted at the subtle shift in their relationship. Their conversation was interrupted by the beeping of Harry's mobile phone. As he was reading the text message he'd received, the doorbell rang.

"You're not expecting anyone are you?" he enquired as he put his phone back in his jacket.

"No, I'm not."

"I'll go."

He was halfway across the kitchen before Ruth had even got out of her chair and she had to scurry after him.

Harry could see the shadows of a couple of figures the other side of the coloured glass. When he opened the door, he wasn't entirely surprised to find two police officers standing on the step.

"Good evening sir. We'd like to come in and have a word, please." The male officer looked rather nervous as he spoke.

"Why?"

"Please sir, I don't think you want to have this conversation on the doorstep."

"What's going on, Harry?" Ruth asked as she tried to peer over his shoulder. The task was not made easy as Harry was resolutely blocking the doorway.

"Good evening, madam. My colleague was just explaining to your…friend that we'd like to come in and have a word with you. Both of you." The female officer's tone was polite but firm.

"Oh right, OK. Come in."

Much to Ruth's embarrassment, Harry demanded to see proof of identity before reluctantly allowing the police officers into the house. The four of them stood awkwardly in the hallway.

"We're sorry to trouble you so late but we've had a report from a passer-by and we need to investigate it."

"What sort of report?" Harry questioned.

The policeman looked at his colleague, who took up the explanation.

"A report of suspicious behaviour; namely that two people were observed loading a partially dismembered body into the boot of a car and then entering this house." The policewoman looked from Ruth to Harry. "Two people who match your descriptions."

There was a short silence as the two spooks processed what they had been told.

"That was Brian!" Ruth exclaimed.

"How bloody ridic-" Harry stopped, abruptly. "_Brian_? Since when did he, did _it_ have a name?"

"Sir, Madam, I think we need to have a serious discussion about what has occurred this evening." The male police officer looked as if he'd rather be anywhere else than talking to the two, seemingly respectable, people standing in front of him.

"No, we don't. I can explain, really I can." Ruth, desperate to get things sorted out, had started to babble.

"I think we should call for some back-up, Jim." As the policewoman reached for her radio, it crackled into life.

"Romeo Tango 262 – are you free to talk?" The tinny voice echoed around the hall.

"I expect that's your Sergeant informing you that your vehicle check's just returned a Security Services flag," Harry said, confidently.

"Er, I'm just going outside to take this." The female officer moved quickly towards the front door leaving her worried-looking colleague stranded in the hall.

"Look, we can sort this out very quickly-"

"Don't move!" The policeman spoke loudly, startling Ruth. "Or you!" he added as Harry began to walk towards him.

"It's OK, Jim." The policewoman had reappeared. "Perhaps you can explain what's being going on here this evening?" The question was directed at Ruth.

"Of course."

--

Harry paced around the kitchen. "Bloody plods! I can't believe they spent twenty minutes examining that bloody dummy. What else did they need to convince them it wasn't real?"

"If you hadn't been so facetious they might not have felt the need to be so thorough," Ruth snapped.

"I wasn't facetious."

"You were. You flaunted the fact that you knew they were about to be told they'd just run a check against a member of the Security Services-" she stopped, abruptly. "How _did_ you know that?" She eyed him suspiciously.

"New system. As soon as any checks are run on members of my team, I get a text message alerting me." Harry shifted from one foot to the other as Ruth glared at him. "_Any_ member of my team."

"Hmm." She turned away and started hunting through one of the kitchen drawers, looking for something to relieve the headache that was beginning to set in.

"Don't you believe me?"

"I'm not sure, Harry," she replied as she struggled to get two paracetemol out of their plastic packaging. The tablets skidded across the floor. "Bugger!" She bent down to pick them up and banged her head on the corner of the table.

Harry moved quickly, helping her up and insisting she sit down while he got her a glass of water. "I don't think you've broken the skin," he said, carefully examining her scalp. "But you're going to have quite a lump."

"Bloody great evening I've had," Ruth grumbled. She was still angry with Harry but the feeling of his hands in her hair was proving to be very distracting. She closed her eyes and tried to recall what it was she'd wanted to ask him earlier. "Dating websites," she said, suddenly.

"I'm sorry?" Harry looked bemused.

"You said something about people lying all the time on dating websites. How do you know? Have you been checking to see if I'd joined one?"

"Er, no, of course not." His denial was a split second too slow.

"You have!" she shouted. "How could you?"

"I didn't know what to think…you'd started leaving work earlier…I thought you had a new boyfriend…"

She stared at him. "You were jealous!"

"Jealous?" Harry scoffed. "Why would I be jealous of a dummy?"

"But you thought he was real!"

"Well…I…" He stopped. It was pointless trying to deny it; he'd been convinced Ruth had a new man in her life and he'd allowed the idea to completely dictate his actions.

"You've gone very quiet, Harry," Ruth said, gleefully. "Taken in by an inflatable man; you must be losing your touch."

"That bloody inflatable boyfriend of yours has done nothing but cause trouble," he shot back at her, annoyed at her comment and his own stupidity.

"He's a lot less trouble than a real boyfriend!"

"Oh? How?"

Ruth stood up and started to walk around the kitchen. "An inflatable boyfriend doesn't leave the toilet seat up or dirty socks lying around. And I don't have to cook his meals or iron his shirts or run around after him!"

"I can cook and work the washing machine. I can even iron!" Harry retaliated.

She muttered something that sounded like 'I'll believe it when I see it.'

Determined to win the argument, he ploughed on. "An inflatable boyfriend can't get spiders out of the bath or put the rubbish out or mow the lawn."

"True, but I'm quite capable of doing all of those things."

"Fair enough. But Mr Airhead out there," Harry jabbed a finger in the direction of the front door, "can't make you laugh or dry your tears or give you a cuddle. What's more, he can't do this!" He grabbed her firmly by the arms and pulled her towards him, pressing his mouth against hers in a hot, passion-filled kiss.

Ruth's initial shock at his actions quickly passed and she responded enthusiastically, backing him up against the kitchen table.

"See?" Harry mumbled between kisses. "You don't need your inflatable friend."

She laughed and pulled away slightly. "I suppose not. And don't look so pleased with yourself or I might be tempted to get one of those grow-your-own boyfriends to see how you compare."

"No, you won't. Not when you've got your own, fully matured specimen, on call twenty-four hours a day." His lips moved over hers again, pulling her into another intense kiss.

"Harry," she whispered, when he finally relinquished her mouth. "Is there anything else you can do that an inflatable man can't?"

The seductive tone of her voice was unmistakeable and her eyes glittered, mischievously.

"I can think of lots of other things although it might take some time to show you," he said, softly.

"How long do you think?"

"The rest of our lives."

_The End_

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**Thanks for reading. :)  
**


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